Heartbeats Mending Broken Hearts

     So here I am, 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and absolutely over the moon in love with our second baby already.  I've been spending the last few weeks just a short gagging distance from the bathroom, but so thankful for such a tangible sign that this little baby is growing so well and so strong.

     Life, of course, is so interesting, and the depths of emotions can be so overwhelming.  To be so sad and heartbroken and at the very same time so completely content and happy.  Danny and I talk often about both our babies; to think if Hannah didn't die, this second baby wouldn't be in this world.  It is so bittersweet, and how desperately I wish I could have them both.  I look forward to the day when we will all be reunited, it's just hard to wait sometimes.

     So far, my pregnancy has been going really well.  We were so blessed to have had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago and know for certain that little heart was just beating away.  We were so excited yesterday when we were able to find the heartbeat for ourselves with a doppler I had bought when I was pregnant with Hannah.  What an amazing sound, and such a wonderful reminder that this little one is really in there growing and living.  The Lord is so faithful and always provides what we need just when we need it.

    

    

A Daddy's Poem for His Little Girl

     It's been four months since our beautiful daughter joined our Lord in Heaven.  This was a poem Danny wrote just after we lossed Hannah.  I shared it with all our friends and family on facebook, and wanted to share it again, today, on Hannah's anniversary in Heaven.

As I walked the golden streets,
in the place as pure as snow,
filled with friendly faces,
I felt a warm wind blow.

I started at the breeze at once,
it carried a familiar scent,
I turned to look upon the face,
on whom my mind was bent.

With laughter that shook away,
every single nameless fear,
I scooped her up into my arms,
and wiped away a tear.

My little girl I then beheld,
her sweet and smiling face,
the wounded heart she carried,
had been healed in this place.

No death, nor sorrow, nor pain,
flooded through my mind,
and as I tried to reason it,
I heard my name behind.

Hannah gazed at me expectantly,
she knew just what this meant,
I turned to see my Savior's face,
and into His arms we went.

Every question that I'd longed to ask,
every wail in the night,
seemed to simply fade away,
at the power of His might.

He smiled at me with love so great,
my soul rejoiced with peace,
and with Him we walked along,
the wonders ne'er to cease.

A Sight for Sore Eyes

     Yesterday was such a wonderful day.  We had our first doctor's appointment for this new baby.  We were so nervous in that we desperately wanted to do an ultrasound to see the baby's heartbeat, but knew from Hannah's pregnancy that our insurance didn't cover a first trimester ultrasound.  We were so relieved when Dr. Clauss came in, gave us both a big hug, and after asking how we've been doing, said the first thing we need to do is schedule an ultrasound.  I was over the moon!


     Our appointment went great.  You know it's a good doctor when they know when to be a doctor and when to sit and share some tears.  She said that since I had only had one period between my pregnancies, my cycles were considered "irregular", so she would mark that for insurance.  As well as the fact that my pregnancies are so close together.  Probably the hardest to hear was also due to Neonatal Demise.  Because of these three reasons, she was able to get us more ultrasounds covered by insurance.  I'm so grateful to her for this.

     So, she filled out the form for us to schedule the next available appointment for the ultrasound.  After I had my blood drawn, we sat down with the receptionist to schedule the ultrasound as well as our next doctor's appointment.  Unfortunately, the next available was January 24th.  Just then Dr. Clauss came up behind us and said she just couldn't wait!  She called over and said that it may be a bit of a wait, but they will fit me in that morning!  What a blessing! 


     Dr. Clauss is due with her third baby in the beginning of April and unfortunately won't be able to be my doctor for this pregnancy.  After maternity leave she's leaving her current practice to work for a low income practice.  Danny and I would follow her in a heartbeat, the problem is her new practice doesn't take our insurance.  Go figure.  I really love her as our doctor.  I'm not sure how this is going to work out.  I'll be able to have one last appointment with her next month.  We'll have to see what happens.

     The ultrasound was absolutely amazing!  Oh, what a sight for sore eyes, and the sound of that heartbeat!  Such music!  Beating strong at 150 bpm.  It is so amazing to see that little gummi bear shaped baby just in there... living.  What a miracle. 

     I think this is just what Danny needed.  I remember this with Hannah and it's the same for this little one.  The nausea is very real for me, but it helps Danny to see that little beating heart.  Although, it does wonders for me as well. 

     We are still praying daily the Lord continues to keep His beautiful hand on this little one.  That He allows it to continue to grow strong and healthy.  I'm sure it doesn't hurt to have a sister in Heaven throwing in a few good words herself!

    

Four Months and Still Blessing Us

     Four months ago Hannah Rose joined us here on earth.  From the moment you find out your pregnant, every thought and future plan changes.  You suddenly imagine holidays and family gatherings with your little one in tow.  You imagine what it will be like to run your arrands with a carseat in your backseat; smiling at that little face that's staring off out the little bit of window they might see over all their buckles.  You're automatically so proud and so anxious to share your precious gift with everyone because you know she can melt anyone's heart.

    Although our path has not led us where we had planned.  I'm grateful to have been able to share my precious gift.  She was and is so beautiful.  We know as we begin to think and discuss where our second baby will take us, Hannah is just as excited in Heaven.  What a blessing she has been and continues to be.  

     It's so easy for my mind to think of Heaven as a fairytale; a story we've all grown up hearing.  But, then to remember she really is there.  She's living it this very moment.  How exciting is that for us.  To have someone I knew from her very start actually up there and experiencing the Lord's promise.  I can't help but feel that much closer myself.  Heaven has become so real.  It's hard to put into words.  I wish I could share this feeling.

     I praise the Lord for His continued blessings.  He fills the hole in our hearts with His perfect love, and speaks to us quietly everyday.  Oh, how He loves us; Oh, how I love Him.

Putting Frustrating Days Behind Me

     We have made it through the Holidays, and I am so grateful they're over.  I didn't expect to be so frustrated with them.  It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I prayed, I was just angry.  Not at any specific reason, just mad.  I felt like I had no control, like the only thing I could do was to stay quiet so I wouldn't upset anyone.  I know my family understands, but I was getting even more mad at myself for feeling so snippy.  I'm sure that along with my grieving, hormones have a lot to do with it.  But, they are done, and now I can continue to move forward.  
     
     Things are pretty good.  As of today I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  It's fun and strange to be back to counting.  Danny and I both feel really positive about this pregnancy, but of course we're kind of finding it challenging to let ourselves get to carried a way as we both know how easy it is for loved ones to be taken away.  I've told Danny, and try to remind myself that we need to plan on having this baby in our arms in August unless we are shown otherwise.  That is all we can do.  We both worry, but I don't think our hearts can handle letting our minds get to carried away with the what if's.  So, one day at a time.  One of my favorite things Danny tells me is "You've grown a baby for another whole day".  I love that.


     Danny and I have chosen for me not to work during this pregnancy.  As a Veterinary Technician, there are a lot of concerns and it can be pretty physical.  I had some spotting throughout Hannah's pregnancy and I'm hoping that not being on my feet for 9+ hours I can avoid that all together with this little one.  My employers have been very supportive and such a blessing. 


     I'm feeling pretty good so far.  With Hannah I was about 7 weeks when the morning sickness began.  I'm hoping and praying that I do get sick.  I know that sounds silly, but I know it can be a good sign that everything is progressing well.  I've felt a little gaggy if I let myself get too hungry but nothing major yet :)  We'll see....  Grow little baby, grow!!!


     We visited Hannah on Christmas morning.  I had poinsettias on either side of her stone as well as in the vase that's fixed to the back of her stone.  The flowers on each side we're missing.  I'm not sure what happened.  I'm hoping there's a comfy squirrel's nest somewhere made out of silk poinsettias :)  We visited her again yesterday, we've been able to make it almost every weekend since she died, all but maybe one.  It was beautiful with the snow.  There were little bunny tracks all over and around her stone.  We love that there is so much wildlife in that cemetery.  It truly is so peaceful.  We thank the Lord for such a beautiful place to be  able to come and think and pray about Hannah.