Happy Birthday Hannah Rose

   
      Where do I begin...  One whole year.  I'm not sure my heart can really grasp that.  I've thought about Hannah's birthday coming.  I watched the days tick by on my calander.  How do you celebrate for your daughter's first birthday when she's not here.  Her birth was one of the two happiest days of my life.  I thought I would want to "celebrate".  I couldn't.  What do you do with this day?

     Honestly, my heart is absolutely breaking today.  I can't help but cry.  I haven't let myself think too much about her birth, it's just a hurt I'm too exhausted to deal with right now.  I miss her.  I cannot believe a year has gone by. 

     Danny, Hope, and I have spent the day together.  We picked out some really pretty pink roses, four of them, one for each of us, and took them to Hannah.  It was Hope's first visit.  It was so gorgeous there.  It was warm, but you could feel Fall in the air.  It felt just like when we had Hannah.  It even smelt the same. 

     We've been so busy and so blessed with Hope.  Danny and I have spent a lot of time today talking about Hannah.  We've talked about what we've been feeling and where we are at with everything.  It's amazing how life moves on.  We were so blessed with Hope's pregnancy and thankful for the distraction it brought us.  We've talked about the blessing of having her in our arms while our hearts ache to hold her sister as well. 

     Our Lord has taken such care with our hearts.  When I look back on where we were and where He has brought us...Well, truly there are no words.  He has carried us and continues to carry us.  He is my rock.  He is my comfort.  He is my strength.  He is the one holding my baby girl and kissing her for me.

Dear Lord,
     I want to lift today up to you.  One year ago you blessed Danny and I beyond our imagination.  I thank you for Hannah and the opportunity to be her mommy.  I thank you for ten unbelievable days with her.  I thank you for the way she touched our lives and the lessons you have brought to us.  I have learned more about love in ten days from your tiny baby than I could have ever learned my entire lifetime alone.  Thank you for bringing so much light in the middle of our darkness.  I pray for Danny, that you would hold his heart so close to you while such a painful wound is reopened.  I pray for all our family, who's hearts are just as broken and missing Hannah.  I pray for Hope, that you would help her to know her sister and how much we love both of them.  I pray for all of our loved ones who continue, even a year later, to lift Danny and I up.  Thank you, God, for pouring your love out on us through so many.  I pray that you would watch over me and protect my mind and heart from the painful memories and flood me with all the happy ones.  Thank you for being my God.  Thank you for loving me.  All these things I ask in Your name, Amen.      


Happy Birthday, Hannah Rose.  We love you, Our Little One <3  Kiss Jesus for me!
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and Hope!

Room for Hope...

     I bought Hope some hair bows last night from Babies R Us. It was the first time I had been there buying for a daughter that wasn't Hannah. It was kinda hard, but exciting at the same time. I think I'm slower to bond with Hope, but when I do it's much more intense.  I felt so much closer to her.  Hope has so much that Hannah was never able to use, and we're so thankful for that, but everything is very related to Hannah.

     I unpacked Hope's room last night.  It's nice to have a new house and a new room for Hope.  It feels like it can be her own.  I only unpacked a couple of important toys from Hannah.  I want Hope to know she's just as important and just as loved as her sister is.  I want her to have her own identity, and so far, she is so different!  She's seems like a little character, so we're excited for her to join us and watch this new little person that God created grow.

     We hit 36 weeks on Saturday.  It's been a huge milestone since Hannah was born at 36 weeks and 1 day.  So we're anxious to see how this weekend goes.  So far everything seems great though.  I feel like she's going to stay put.  I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm kind of holding my breath though.  But, Hope is just as much in God's hands as Hannah is.  He's been so faithful to us, I have no reason to believe He would ever leave us now.  Praising the Lord for taking over my life!  It sure is alot easier to let Him handle the details!       

When O' When will this baby be born???

     I know it has been forever since I've posted.  Life has been busy, which is such a blessing.  Danny and I worked really hard to pretty up the house from the winter as well as some more home improvements, including tiling the countertops ( done by your's truly! ).  We were going back and forth on whether or not to try to sell the house for the third summer in a row.  At first we felt we've had enough stress and craziness in our lives that we didn't want to bother with showings and the frustration of our hopes being raised only to not hear of any interest in the house, leading to discouragement.  However, while I've been nesting and spending alot of time in our home, we've decided that we are planning on growing our family and that this sweet little home is just not going to be able to hold all that we are praying the Lord blesses us with.  So, with the mindset of: "We aren't going to catch any fish if our hook isn't in the water", and "If we don't sell this summer either, we'll have all this work done for a clean home to bring Hope into", we decided to take a chance.  Four days after we signed with our realtor, God blessed us with our first showing.  While we were excited, of course the voice in the back of our minds said "it's not going to happen" .  Then to our surprise, after one showing, we received our first ever offer about 24 hours later!  God is good!  While feeling optimistically cautious about letting our hopes get up to high, we are praying nonstop that the whole process of this sale moves smoothly forward.  Right now we are waiting to hear when the inspection will be.  The deadline is July 6th.  The buyer has already been approved for her loan and has no contingencies keeping her from being able to buy the house, so we feel good about how the everything will go.

     Yesterday was my 30 week checkup.  We had an ultrasound just prior to the appointment.  Dr. Weary has been a great doctor so far.  He managed to schedule us another ultrasound courtesy of our insurance :)  He said there wasn't anything he was concerned about, he was purely doing it for my heart.  I love feeling God's love for me through people in my life.  Hope looked great!  She's definitely running out of room and is definitely plumping up well.  All my books have said that for 30 weeks a baby should way about 3lbs.  Little Miss Hope weighs in at 3lbs 13oz, some news that we were hoping for!  I'm constantly praying for a big, healthy baby.  She seems to be a busy little bee.  Most of the family has had an opportunity to feel alot of her movement.  Hannah was always a bit shy.  I love their different personalities.  I'm excited to see what kind of joy Hope is going to bring us.  

     Probably the biggest thought weighing on me is "when is Hope going to be born?"    Hannah was born at 36 weeks 1 day.  So, my mind is constantly wondering, could Hope be born at 36 weeks?  Since my pregnancies are so close, will she be born a bit earlier?  The doctors say she could just as well be born later, could I make it to 40 weeks?  I just am at a loss.  Those who know me, know I prefer stability.  I want to know when and where and how.  I know that every pregnancy leaves any mom wondering.  I'm just praying she stays in long enough to help her mature and develop enough to handle such a hard world.  With that said, God is in control.  Babies are born at 28 weeks and grow to thrive.  Hope is in His hands, and that does bring comfort. 

     Another concern is that our closing date on the house is set for July 29th.  The day I turn 36 weeks.  What are the chances?  Again, it's in God's hands, and the realtor said she has no problem bringing the papers to the hospital :)  I'm excited to see how God is going to pull it all together.  He never fails to amaze me!


Some cute Hope picures.  It's amazing to see a different little person in there, and yet still see traces of her sister too.  She just melts my heart!

        

    

Hope's 22 Week Ultrasound

     This morning was Hope's diagnostic ultrasound, and she passed with flying colors!  Her heart and major organs look amazing on ultrasound.  Her arms and legs look perfect.  And, it looks like Hope's going to have long narrow feet just like her big sister! 

     Our pregnancy has been going really well aside from very occacional, light spotting.  We've had past ultrasounds looking into the causes, and the most likely conclusion was due to a low lying placenta.  I was anxious to see the progress of my growing uterus and hopeful that Hope's placenta would move up naturally, away from my cervix.  I was so relieved to be told that her placenta had definitely moved up and looked very healthy and well attached.  Also, I had my own concerns on how well my body would be able to handle this pregnancy considering Hannah's was just over 7 months ago.  Although, my doctor's are very reassuring that my body is perfectly capable, it brought so much comfort to know that my cervix was tightly closed and nice and long.  By all accounts, Hope's living quarters for the next 4 months seem strong and comfortable :)

     Hope has been super active!  Having both the girls' pregnancies so close together is neat in the sense that I remember Hannah's so well, it's so fun to be able to compare Hope's personality in utero to how Hannah was.  Hannah was always very calm.  I felt her moving quite a bit, but they were always very gentle movements, and it was rare for family and friends to be able to feel her for themselves.  Hope on the other hand, feels like a little monkey!  I've been able to feel her since 19 weeks (I'm 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant today).  I didn't feel Hannah's "first flutters" until 21 weeks and 3 days.  Danny actually felt Hope for the first time yesterday morning.  I thought that was a great Easter present! 

     It was fun to be able to see just how busy our little monkey was on ultrasound.  She definitely kept the tech busy.  Hannah was always sleeping, and we would have to squish her and jiggle her to get her to wake up and move to be able to get the measurements needed.   Both the girls' share a love of partying at 11 o'clock at night though! 

     We are so blessed to have two such beautiful and unique daughters.  I cherish all my memories of Hannah, and I am so anxious  to meet Hope face to face, and learn more and more about who she is.  I praise the Lord daily for allowing us to experience such a blessing.  I'm so thankful for the protection He's provided over Hope and I pray He will continue to allow her to grow strong and healthy! 

6 Months Already...

  
  Six months in Heaven; how beautiful it must be...

God called My Hannah home today,

I really don’t know why.

God called my Hannah home today.

Only tears fill my eyes…

Of all the bright shining stars,

A brilliance beyond I held.

Of all fragrance fresh and sweet,

Flowered fields dared not compare.

Of unplumbed depths of joy we found,

The heavens could not hold.

Of dreams and hopes, a moment fulfilled,

an endless fount we drank.

God called My Hannah home today,

Only tears fill my eyes…

God called my Hannah home today,

I guess…I do…know why

By Hannah's Grandpa Karl

Introducing Hannah's Little Sister...Hope Rose!

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4   

     So today our ultrasound was a complete success! Danny was able to make it home from his class with time to spare, and our little blessing cooperated perfectly!  Today we found out we are expecting our second daughter! Hannah is going to have a little sister!!! 

     We are beyond excited and so honored by such an amazing gift.  The Lord has been so faithful to us, and He has provided and blessed us in so many ways.  Before we even conceived this little blessing, we knew if we were to be blessed with another little girl, her name would absolutely have to be Hope.  She is just that!  The Lord has given us so many reasons to be hopeful; this little girl is definitely the biggest and brightest!  We've also decided we want her middle name to be Rose; a way for Hope to be connected to her big sister.

     We are forever grateful for every one of your prayers for us and our precious daughters.  Thank you for all of your love.  We are so honored and excited to be able to share such joyous news with all of you!

All our love!
Danny and Jess

Happy 6 Months Hannah Rose!

Sweet Hannah Rose,

     Today, Baby Girl, we should be celebrating 6 months of precious, giggling life.  I wish it didn't hurt to wonder what you would look like, sound like, and what you would have learned already.  But, it hurts.  I know you are happy, and perfect, and probably very busy in Heaven.  I'm sure there is so much for a little girl to do.  I know the Lord is hugging you and more than making up for the love your daddy and I so desperately wish we could give you.

     I had a dream last night of a small baby girl.  She wasn't you, but something told me to relate her to you.  She was sick and I was her nurse.  We were watching her heart and it was having trouble beating.  Suddenly this little baby woke up and she was healed.  She was so active and healthy.  Then my dream took me and this little girl to your Aunt Katie's house.  The baby girl was bigger, just able to walk, and busy picking up any little thing a baby can find on the ground.  That's when I woke up. 

     I don't really believe in dreams telling the future or if they really have any meaning at all.  But, I do believe God uses so many different ways to speak to us.  I haven't dreamt of you since just after you died.  I wish sometimes I did, but I think it would be too hard.  My dream last night was a good dream.  When I woke up, I felt peace.  Maybe God let me see what you would have looked like.
  Happy 6 months little girl.  I love you, my heart and my arms ache for you.  I miss you.  Please kiss Jesus for me.

Love you forever and ever,
Mommy

Quick Update : )

     I realized I never posted an update here about our ultrasound.  I did on facebook, but I hope I didn't miss anyone following me here that may not have seen facebook.  Our ultrasound went well.  We have our appointment to follow up on it with the doctor this Friday, but from what the tech said, she didn't see anything to be concerned about.  This was great news, as well as there have been no signs of bleeding since.  Unfortunately, the tech would not allow us to see if we could determine the gender, but here in less then 2 weeks we have another ultrasound scheduled.  So, not much longer.

     I wanted to share that Danny and I have started a Grief Workshop that takes place on Sundays.  We are really excited about it.  Yesterday was the first meeting and it was a really positive experience.  It was nice to be surrounded by so many who understand, and you could just feel God working in that room!  I'm so excited to see how the next 7 weeks work in our lives.  Definitely, praying the Lord continues to work on us as well as through us! 

In Need of Prayer

     So I debated on posting about this, but how silly to keep a prayer need to myself when I know I'm so loved and well cared for by my friends and family...

     On Tuesday, Danny, Little one #2, and I came across a new hurdle.  After taking my dogs to the dog park in the morning, I came home to find I had some mild bleeding.  I of course immediately checked for the baby's heartbeat which even this morning sounds strong, and nice and fast (about 160bpm).  I was able to get into the doctors where I saw the nurse practitioner.  She performed a pelvic exam and was not able to see an immediate source of bleeding.  She also looked for any infection which there was none.  She said my cervix was most likely very vascular (which is very normal for pregnancy) and most likely was irritated during my walk.  But, to be sure, she scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday, March 1st.  She assured me she wasn't worried, and that I should try to relax about the situation.  Of course, easier said than done.

     The bleeding had stopped that evening, but there have been small signs of some bleeding since.  Nothing like on Tuesday.   Danny and I are doing fairly well.  I think just tired of worry, although we know from experience this is just the beginning.  That's what happens when you fall in love.  We are anxious and nervous.  Taking one day at a time. 

     If I could please bother any of you for any prayer, it would be greatly appreciated.  I think in my heart I know this baby will be fine, it's just daunting to think we still have 26 weeks to go, and we already know how much can change in just 1 day.  I know it's best to not worry about the what if's, but, well... how can you not?

     I've been praying myself that the Lord would strengthen my body, as I know I've come from one marathon and I'm pushing it to take on another.  I'm praying for a healthy, strong environment for this baby to continue to thrive.  I'm praying for the Lord to bless this baby's health and allow this little one to continue to grow strong.  I'm praying the Lord continues to hold on to us as I feel our faith struggling.  It's definitely more of a mustard seed at the moment. 

     I'm a little embarrassed to admit a struggle, but it's important to not avoid or hide where I'm at in this journey.  I'm tired.  I need help.  I need your prayers.

~Love, Jess
    
    

Hannah's Sunset

     About a week ago, a sweet friend the Lord brought into my life, shared something so beautiful she had done for her precious little boy.  An amazing woman who lives in Australia had suffered the devastating tragedy of delivering her little boy stillborn.  After an amazing dream she was inspired to go down to the beach she lives near and write his name in the sand.  She brought her camera along and took a beautiful photograph of one of the Lord's perfect sunsets with her son's name written in the shore.  This led her heart to a calling; a way to help parents and families who have experienced the pain of losing a child, grieve and heal.

     As many evenings as possible, Carly Marie takes a list of precious children's names down to Mullaloo beach, writes each baby's name in the sand, and takes an amazing picture for the family.  I kept watch for when she would open her request list as the time difference usually made it through the middle of the night here in the U.S..  And, by chance late one night, it happened to be open.

     Danny and I were so giddy!  There's something amazing about being able to sign our daughter up for something.  That gift alone meant so much to us.  Finally, after monitoring her website with devotion, she had captured Hannah's sunset!  It truly is perfect!  And again, the Lord gives us just what we need.  

     Here is a link to Hannah's full memorial sunset...
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/02/hannah-rose-law.html

     Here is a link that tells about Carly Marie's purpose...
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/11/are-you-here-for-first-time.html

Heartbeats Mending Broken Hearts

     So here I am, 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and absolutely over the moon in love with our second baby already.  I've been spending the last few weeks just a short gagging distance from the bathroom, but so thankful for such a tangible sign that this little baby is growing so well and so strong.

     Life, of course, is so interesting, and the depths of emotions can be so overwhelming.  To be so sad and heartbroken and at the very same time so completely content and happy.  Danny and I talk often about both our babies; to think if Hannah didn't die, this second baby wouldn't be in this world.  It is so bittersweet, and how desperately I wish I could have them both.  I look forward to the day when we will all be reunited, it's just hard to wait sometimes.

     So far, my pregnancy has been going really well.  We were so blessed to have had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago and know for certain that little heart was just beating away.  We were so excited yesterday when we were able to find the heartbeat for ourselves with a doppler I had bought when I was pregnant with Hannah.  What an amazing sound, and such a wonderful reminder that this little one is really in there growing and living.  The Lord is so faithful and always provides what we need just when we need it.

    

    

A Daddy's Poem for His Little Girl

     It's been four months since our beautiful daughter joined our Lord in Heaven.  This was a poem Danny wrote just after we lossed Hannah.  I shared it with all our friends and family on facebook, and wanted to share it again, today, on Hannah's anniversary in Heaven.

As I walked the golden streets,
in the place as pure as snow,
filled with friendly faces,
I felt a warm wind blow.

I started at the breeze at once,
it carried a familiar scent,
I turned to look upon the face,
on whom my mind was bent.

With laughter that shook away,
every single nameless fear,
I scooped her up into my arms,
and wiped away a tear.

My little girl I then beheld,
her sweet and smiling face,
the wounded heart she carried,
had been healed in this place.

No death, nor sorrow, nor pain,
flooded through my mind,
and as I tried to reason it,
I heard my name behind.

Hannah gazed at me expectantly,
she knew just what this meant,
I turned to see my Savior's face,
and into His arms we went.

Every question that I'd longed to ask,
every wail in the night,
seemed to simply fade away,
at the power of His might.

He smiled at me with love so great,
my soul rejoiced with peace,
and with Him we walked along,
the wonders ne'er to cease.

A Sight for Sore Eyes

     Yesterday was such a wonderful day.  We had our first doctor's appointment for this new baby.  We were so nervous in that we desperately wanted to do an ultrasound to see the baby's heartbeat, but knew from Hannah's pregnancy that our insurance didn't cover a first trimester ultrasound.  We were so relieved when Dr. Clauss came in, gave us both a big hug, and after asking how we've been doing, said the first thing we need to do is schedule an ultrasound.  I was over the moon!


     Our appointment went great.  You know it's a good doctor when they know when to be a doctor and when to sit and share some tears.  She said that since I had only had one period between my pregnancies, my cycles were considered "irregular", so she would mark that for insurance.  As well as the fact that my pregnancies are so close together.  Probably the hardest to hear was also due to Neonatal Demise.  Because of these three reasons, she was able to get us more ultrasounds covered by insurance.  I'm so grateful to her for this.

     So, she filled out the form for us to schedule the next available appointment for the ultrasound.  After I had my blood drawn, we sat down with the receptionist to schedule the ultrasound as well as our next doctor's appointment.  Unfortunately, the next available was January 24th.  Just then Dr. Clauss came up behind us and said she just couldn't wait!  She called over and said that it may be a bit of a wait, but they will fit me in that morning!  What a blessing! 


     Dr. Clauss is due with her third baby in the beginning of April and unfortunately won't be able to be my doctor for this pregnancy.  After maternity leave she's leaving her current practice to work for a low income practice.  Danny and I would follow her in a heartbeat, the problem is her new practice doesn't take our insurance.  Go figure.  I really love her as our doctor.  I'm not sure how this is going to work out.  I'll be able to have one last appointment with her next month.  We'll have to see what happens.

     The ultrasound was absolutely amazing!  Oh, what a sight for sore eyes, and the sound of that heartbeat!  Such music!  Beating strong at 150 bpm.  It is so amazing to see that little gummi bear shaped baby just in there... living.  What a miracle. 

     I think this is just what Danny needed.  I remember this with Hannah and it's the same for this little one.  The nausea is very real for me, but it helps Danny to see that little beating heart.  Although, it does wonders for me as well. 

     We are still praying daily the Lord continues to keep His beautiful hand on this little one.  That He allows it to continue to grow strong and healthy.  I'm sure it doesn't hurt to have a sister in Heaven throwing in a few good words herself!

    

Four Months and Still Blessing Us

     Four months ago Hannah Rose joined us here on earth.  From the moment you find out your pregnant, every thought and future plan changes.  You suddenly imagine holidays and family gatherings with your little one in tow.  You imagine what it will be like to run your arrands with a carseat in your backseat; smiling at that little face that's staring off out the little bit of window they might see over all their buckles.  You're automatically so proud and so anxious to share your precious gift with everyone because you know she can melt anyone's heart.

    Although our path has not led us where we had planned.  I'm grateful to have been able to share my precious gift.  She was and is so beautiful.  We know as we begin to think and discuss where our second baby will take us, Hannah is just as excited in Heaven.  What a blessing she has been and continues to be.  

     It's so easy for my mind to think of Heaven as a fairytale; a story we've all grown up hearing.  But, then to remember she really is there.  She's living it this very moment.  How exciting is that for us.  To have someone I knew from her very start actually up there and experiencing the Lord's promise.  I can't help but feel that much closer myself.  Heaven has become so real.  It's hard to put into words.  I wish I could share this feeling.

     I praise the Lord for His continued blessings.  He fills the hole in our hearts with His perfect love, and speaks to us quietly everyday.  Oh, how He loves us; Oh, how I love Him.

Putting Frustrating Days Behind Me

     We have made it through the Holidays, and I am so grateful they're over.  I didn't expect to be so frustrated with them.  It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I prayed, I was just angry.  Not at any specific reason, just mad.  I felt like I had no control, like the only thing I could do was to stay quiet so I wouldn't upset anyone.  I know my family understands, but I was getting even more mad at myself for feeling so snippy.  I'm sure that along with my grieving, hormones have a lot to do with it.  But, they are done, and now I can continue to move forward.  
     
     Things are pretty good.  As of today I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  It's fun and strange to be back to counting.  Danny and I both feel really positive about this pregnancy, but of course we're kind of finding it challenging to let ourselves get to carried a way as we both know how easy it is for loved ones to be taken away.  I've told Danny, and try to remind myself that we need to plan on having this baby in our arms in August unless we are shown otherwise.  That is all we can do.  We both worry, but I don't think our hearts can handle letting our minds get to carried away with the what if's.  So, one day at a time.  One of my favorite things Danny tells me is "You've grown a baby for another whole day".  I love that.


     Danny and I have chosen for me not to work during this pregnancy.  As a Veterinary Technician, there are a lot of concerns and it can be pretty physical.  I had some spotting throughout Hannah's pregnancy and I'm hoping that not being on my feet for 9+ hours I can avoid that all together with this little one.  My employers have been very supportive and such a blessing. 


     I'm feeling pretty good so far.  With Hannah I was about 7 weeks when the morning sickness began.  I'm hoping and praying that I do get sick.  I know that sounds silly, but I know it can be a good sign that everything is progressing well.  I've felt a little gaggy if I let myself get too hungry but nothing major yet :)  We'll see....  Grow little baby, grow!!!


     We visited Hannah on Christmas morning.  I had poinsettias on either side of her stone as well as in the vase that's fixed to the back of her stone.  The flowers on each side we're missing.  I'm not sure what happened.  I'm hoping there's a comfy squirrel's nest somewhere made out of silk poinsettias :)  We visited her again yesterday, we've been able to make it almost every weekend since she died, all but maybe one.  It was beautiful with the snow.  There were little bunny tracks all over and around her stone.  We love that there is so much wildlife in that cemetery.  It truly is so peaceful.  We thank the Lord for such a beautiful place to be  able to come and think and pray about Hannah.