A Christmas Blessing!

    "Your word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens.  Your faithfulness continues through all generations; You established the earth, and it endures.  Your laws endure to this day, for all things serve You.  If Your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction.  I will never forget Your precepts, for by them You have preserved my life"  Psalms 119:89-93

     "Great are the works of the Lord; they are pondered by all who delight in them.  Glorious and majestic are His deeds, and His righteousness endures forever.  He has caused His wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate."  Psalms 111:2-4

     "Praise the Lord.  Praise the Lord, O my soul.  I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."  Psalms 146:1-2

     Oh, how great is the Lord!  He has carried us through and blessed us beyond measure!  This past weekend, just a week before Christmas, Danny and I found out we are expecting our second baby!  Words cannot express our happiness and joy.  Oh, how He loves us! 

     We prayed and hoped the Lord would pour His mercy on us, and now to see that He wants to bless us and bring joy back to our lives; what an honor.  We prayed for the Lord's timing; that He would speak to us through the doctors.  We prayed for patience as we waited for that time to arrive.  We hoped He would see fit to bless us right away, but of course it was hard to let our hopes rise too high.  We are so in awe of the Lord.  We know that anything is possible for Him, we prayed He would allow this for us, and yet prepared ourselves for a negative.  Oh what a blessing!

     This precious baby is very new and has been so prayed for already.  Not just by us, but by so many dear loved ones.  This baby is just as much in our Lord's arms as our precious Hannah is.  We pray His will for this little one, just as we did for Hannah. We are excited to be able to share such happy news with everyone, and know that prayers will begin to be poured out on our beautiful second child. 

     We have spent the last few days trying to believe this baby is really here.  It has been such a blessing to wake up in the morning and feel overwhelmingly happy, instead of such sadness.  We miss Hannah terribly and although we wish she were here with us, we praise the Lord for blessing us in such a dark time in our lives.  I know Hannah wanted us to have this little one just as much as the Lord did.

     "I will exalt you , my God the King; I will praise Your name for ever and ever."  Psalms 145:1
     Amen!

Every Perfect Gift is from God...

     This weekend Danny and I did some Christmas shopping.  It's started out well, but got quite hard as the day went on.  It seemed every other person that passed us had a brand new baby in their arms.  I'm not angry at them.  Actually, just the opposite.  I'm thankful to know that all those little ones seem to be doing so well.  I don't want anyone to have to know this part of life.  But, it's hard.  It's hard being reminded of what we don't have.  I find myself looking away as soon as my brain registers that they're holding a baby.  That's when the wave of nausea hits me.  It's strange how emotion can elicit physical feelings.

     Danny is hurting.  The 'what if's' are tearing him up.  We've been talking alot, and praying even more.  It's so easy to go down that road and also so dangerous.  I told him that I felt when Hannah died, the Lord held us so tight, He didn't allow anything to attack us.  But, as time moves on, He begins to set us back down, only holding on just enough to help us with our footing and to help us to begin to walk again.  Of course He's always there; ready to pick us up as soon as we need Him to again.  But, I believe Satan is always there at any opportunity.  He is there in our thoughts, prodding us to question ourselves, and even more so, to question God.  It's almost so obvious, it's rediculous. 

     With that said, Danny's thoughts are very legitimate.  It's hard to be okay one moment that Hannah died for the Lord's purpose, and then in the next breath want to petition Him on why she would be much more of a blessing here on earth.  I know some day we will know exactly why He took her when He did.  Until then, there will be lots of prayers for patience and understanding.

     We bought Hannah her Christmas ornament.  It's a precious moment's angel standing on top of a bell with a dove in her hands.  The bell is engraved with the saying "Every Perfect Gift is from God".  I love it for her.  I wish I could have bought it with her in my arms.

     This holiday is already becoming so exhausting.  I think it will be a relief when it's over.  Just a couple more weeks.  I know next year will be better, but for now, it's just hard.

Three months already...

     Tomorrow Hannah would have been three months old.  I started this blog listing out everything I hated about her being gone; everything we're missing out on.  Of course I wish I didn't have to say "would have been".  Of course I wish I could have seen her first smile.  But, I don't want to be angry.  I'm sad probably more than any emotion.  I do get angry.  It would be silly to think I didn't.  I'm human.  But,  I can't handle the anger.  It becomes too much, and in the end, nothing changes. 

     I have moments of anger.  But, I think we have to choose to move past those moments.  We can't afford too much time in anger because once we're done being angry we have to deal with the other multitude of emotions.  We have to see Hannah's empty room.  We have to remember what happened on that "Sunday".  We have to be reminded of those dates every month.  Friends don't understand why we're not more angry.  All I can say is it comes and goes.  But, for those friends that do get angry for us; they get to put it away and hug their children.  I'm not saying they don't care for us.  God allows us sweet distractions so we can cope with tragedy.  But, for Danny and I, our arms are still empty.  But, the Lord hasn't abandoned us.  He is here every night, wrapping His arms around us.

     I can't believe it's already been three months since Hannah's birth.  Although at times it feels like time flies by us, it also feels like it was forever ago.  She feels like such a dream.  I'll spend time really thinking about her; the way she looked and sounded, nursing her, her cute, little, furrowed brow that made me laugh everytime Danny had the flash of the camera in her face.  She seems so real, like it was yesterday.  But, it becomes too much and I have to put her out of my mind.  I know it's part of surviving.  I wish I could think about her all day long.  Someday I hope I can.

    

   

A New Journey...

     I wanted to start a blog, probably for the same reason most people do.  The chance to share what's going on in our lives with our friends and family, a way to document my own thoughts and feelings during our new journey, but mostly another way to help grieve over Hannah.  I'm not sure that I'll always have something profound to say :) But, I know I have plenty of thoughts that are constantly floating around in my head.  This feels like as good of a place as any to put them...

     Today was a good day.  I met Connie, Katie, and Fisher for lunch.  Mom watched Fish, while Katie and I went to see Tangled in 3D.  It was just as cute as the previews.  The theater was pretty empty, except for a few mothers with their young children.  I couldn't help but think I'd rather be taking Hannah to see disney movies.  I know... if she were still here, she'd only be just under three months old, but these are the thoughts I have. 

     It was beautiful outside.  So warm for the beginning of December.  I feel like God has been blessing me with warm, sunny days when it seems it should be cold and snowy.  I'm thankful for that, even if it isn't for me.  I truly do wish we could skip winter, as well as the holidays this year.  I think I'll be ready for them next year, but for now, I wouldn't mind if they could pass right by us. 

     My birthday is on Sunday.  I turn 28.  She was supposed to be here.  I remember telling Danny, I think when I was 26, that I want to have a baby by 28.  I'd rather my birthday pass by as well.  It's hard not to feel like time is slipping by to fast.  I want to be a mother, and now I have to start all over.

     I went to visit Hannah today.  That's what we say.  I know she's not there, it's just one of the only tangible things we have of her.  It was gorgeous there.  All the trees are bare.  I remember thinking that would be depressing, but it's not.  The ground is covered with a blanket of brown leaves.  The huge trees that float over her, tangle with eachother.  Each branch not having an ending or beginning.  I watched the sun set.  It sparkled through all the branches just before it hid behind the mountains.  It's amazing to find so much comfort in a place that has seen so much sadness.  I prayed for her today, and for her Daddy.  He worries for me.  He hates that I don't have the baby I so desperately wanted.  I worry for him, he loves us both so much.  He says it can be hard; he sees so much of her in me.  Sometimes he stares at me.  I pretend I don't notice.  He misses her.

    We've started on our new journey.  We're trying to conceive again.  We waited twelve weeks after Hannah's birth just as the doctor requested.  We had prayed that the Lord would speak to us through the doctor, so we wanted to follow her instruction just as if it were God, Himself speaking to us.  I'd rather be taking care of her instead of back at this point again.  It's hard, but it's okay.  The Lord has blessed us and He gives us so much Hope.  We pray daily for His will to be done, we pray that His will includes blessing us with our second as soon as possible.  It's hard to want His will, but be afraid that it might not be what we would want.  That's where faith comes in.  I pray for patience and understanding no matter what the outcome.  He's carried us this far, I know He'll get us through everything else.