Every Perfect Gift is from God...

     This weekend Danny and I did some Christmas shopping.  It's started out well, but got quite hard as the day went on.  It seemed every other person that passed us had a brand new baby in their arms.  I'm not angry at them.  Actually, just the opposite.  I'm thankful to know that all those little ones seem to be doing so well.  I don't want anyone to have to know this part of life.  But, it's hard.  It's hard being reminded of what we don't have.  I find myself looking away as soon as my brain registers that they're holding a baby.  That's when the wave of nausea hits me.  It's strange how emotion can elicit physical feelings.

     Danny is hurting.  The 'what if's' are tearing him up.  We've been talking alot, and praying even more.  It's so easy to go down that road and also so dangerous.  I told him that I felt when Hannah died, the Lord held us so tight, He didn't allow anything to attack us.  But, as time moves on, He begins to set us back down, only holding on just enough to help us with our footing and to help us to begin to walk again.  Of course He's always there; ready to pick us up as soon as we need Him to again.  But, I believe Satan is always there at any opportunity.  He is there in our thoughts, prodding us to question ourselves, and even more so, to question God.  It's almost so obvious, it's rediculous. 

     With that said, Danny's thoughts are very legitimate.  It's hard to be okay one moment that Hannah died for the Lord's purpose, and then in the next breath want to petition Him on why she would be much more of a blessing here on earth.  I know some day we will know exactly why He took her when He did.  Until then, there will be lots of prayers for patience and understanding.

     We bought Hannah her Christmas ornament.  It's a precious moment's angel standing on top of a bell with a dove in her hands.  The bell is engraved with the saying "Every Perfect Gift is from God".  I love it for her.  I wish I could have bought it with her in my arms.

     This holiday is already becoming so exhausting.  I think it will be a relief when it's over.  Just a couple more weeks.  I know next year will be better, but for now, it's just hard.