Three months already...

     Tomorrow Hannah would have been three months old.  I started this blog listing out everything I hated about her being gone; everything we're missing out on.  Of course I wish I didn't have to say "would have been".  Of course I wish I could have seen her first smile.  But, I don't want to be angry.  I'm sad probably more than any emotion.  I do get angry.  It would be silly to think I didn't.  I'm human.  But,  I can't handle the anger.  It becomes too much, and in the end, nothing changes. 

     I have moments of anger.  But, I think we have to choose to move past those moments.  We can't afford too much time in anger because once we're done being angry we have to deal with the other multitude of emotions.  We have to see Hannah's empty room.  We have to remember what happened on that "Sunday".  We have to be reminded of those dates every month.  Friends don't understand why we're not more angry.  All I can say is it comes and goes.  But, for those friends that do get angry for us; they get to put it away and hug their children.  I'm not saying they don't care for us.  God allows us sweet distractions so we can cope with tragedy.  But, for Danny and I, our arms are still empty.  But, the Lord hasn't abandoned us.  He is here every night, wrapping His arms around us.

     I can't believe it's already been three months since Hannah's birth.  Although at times it feels like time flies by us, it also feels like it was forever ago.  She feels like such a dream.  I'll spend time really thinking about her; the way she looked and sounded, nursing her, her cute, little, furrowed brow that made me laugh everytime Danny had the flash of the camera in her face.  She seems so real, like it was yesterday.  But, it becomes too much and I have to put her out of my mind.  I know it's part of surviving.  I wish I could think about her all day long.  Someday I hope I can.