A New Journey...

     I wanted to start a blog, probably for the same reason most people do.  The chance to share what's going on in our lives with our friends and family, a way to document my own thoughts and feelings during our new journey, but mostly another way to help grieve over Hannah.  I'm not sure that I'll always have something profound to say :) But, I know I have plenty of thoughts that are constantly floating around in my head.  This feels like as good of a place as any to put them...

     Today was a good day.  I met Connie, Katie, and Fisher for lunch.  Mom watched Fish, while Katie and I went to see Tangled in 3D.  It was just as cute as the previews.  The theater was pretty empty, except for a few mothers with their young children.  I couldn't help but think I'd rather be taking Hannah to see disney movies.  I know... if she were still here, she'd only be just under three months old, but these are the thoughts I have. 

     It was beautiful outside.  So warm for the beginning of December.  I feel like God has been blessing me with warm, sunny days when it seems it should be cold and snowy.  I'm thankful for that, even if it isn't for me.  I truly do wish we could skip winter, as well as the holidays this year.  I think I'll be ready for them next year, but for now, I wouldn't mind if they could pass right by us. 

     My birthday is on Sunday.  I turn 28.  She was supposed to be here.  I remember telling Danny, I think when I was 26, that I want to have a baby by 28.  I'd rather my birthday pass by as well.  It's hard not to feel like time is slipping by to fast.  I want to be a mother, and now I have to start all over.

     I went to visit Hannah today.  That's what we say.  I know she's not there, it's just one of the only tangible things we have of her.  It was gorgeous there.  All the trees are bare.  I remember thinking that would be depressing, but it's not.  The ground is covered with a blanket of brown leaves.  The huge trees that float over her, tangle with eachother.  Each branch not having an ending or beginning.  I watched the sun set.  It sparkled through all the branches just before it hid behind the mountains.  It's amazing to find so much comfort in a place that has seen so much sadness.  I prayed for her today, and for her Daddy.  He worries for me.  He hates that I don't have the baby I so desperately wanted.  I worry for him, he loves us both so much.  He says it can be hard; he sees so much of her in me.  Sometimes he stares at me.  I pretend I don't notice.  He misses her.

    We've started on our new journey.  We're trying to conceive again.  We waited twelve weeks after Hannah's birth just as the doctor requested.  We had prayed that the Lord would speak to us through the doctor, so we wanted to follow her instruction just as if it were God, Himself speaking to us.  I'd rather be taking care of her instead of back at this point again.  It's hard, but it's okay.  The Lord has blessed us and He gives us so much Hope.  We pray daily for His will to be done, we pray that His will includes blessing us with our second as soon as possible.  It's hard to want His will, but be afraid that it might not be what we would want.  That's where faith comes in.  I pray for patience and understanding no matter what the outcome.  He's carried us this far, I know He'll get us through everything else.